So this is the new year

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously. I hope you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now: I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere in the next year you surprise yourself." – Neil Gaiman

Shed it

I didn't really get to celebrate Samhain this year the way I wanted to. In May when I finished graduate school I eagerly looked forward to an open fall season -- one without classes and papers clogging up my life. One where I could be relaxed, social and creative. But the Universe had other ideas for me. I would be social and creative, sure, but "relaxed" never entered my lexicon. Instead, Wedding Palooza '09. Suddenly I was dashing about, camera glued to my face, pockets full of media cards and film.

The Luke and Leslie's wedding occurred on Samhain itself, preventing me from attending both my normal open Samhain ritual as well as an impromptu ritual hosted by friends. Towards the end of the day, exhausted but happy, I was slouched at the end of the table, looking through the photos other people had taken when I came across one someone took of me at the reception. I was looking harried, my mouth half open, most likely directing people where to stand for portraits and my hair was plastered haphazardly across my forehead from when I had come inside from the rain. I felt it was truly an unflattering picture, and I asked the owner of the camera to delete it, lest it appear on Facebook in a few days. It was at this point Renee got up in my face. "You're always doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Saying you look terrible in photos when you don't."

"But--"

"NO. SHUT UP. You are constantly doing this. You always putting yourself down, saying you look bad. Or worse, hiding behind the camera so we can't take your picture at all. I'm sick of it. You look fine, you look better than fine."

"But I'm all wet and my--"

"It was raining, all of us were wet. You know what you look like in that picture? You look like a photographer doing her job. So shut it. I don't want to hear any more. I'm sick to my back teeth of hearing you hate yourself."

I couldn't really argue with her anymore, both because she now lives in Chicago and can kick my ass and also because she's right. It's a problem I've struggled with for a long, long time. If you've read this blog at all, you're familiar and sick of this problem too.

The week before Samhain The Swell Season released their new album, Strict Joy, and I splashed out for the deluxe version, which contains a bunch of live tracks. Glen Hansgard tells this story about a medium who helped two spirits cross over after wandering in the dark for hundreds of years because they had been told they were evil, when in fact they were just wrongly killed for having physical disabilities back in the Dark Ages. You can hear a version of the story here. Right before launching into "Drown Out," Glen explained he wrote the song for anyone doing penance or carrying guilt or self-hatred around with them, asking them to re-examine why they were feeling that way and if it wasn't worth carrying around to "Fucking shed it, man."

I'm not doing this story any justice with the way I'm telling it. The listening to the version on the album, I got chills up and down my back.

Which, really. If that's not the Universe telling me something, sending me this song and story right before Samhain, then I don't know what is. Talk about apt advice.

I've spent the past week sharing the song and the story with everyone I come in contact with, all "Listen you need to hear this one story and this song that goes with it." Sort of like my passing Samhain onto all of my Judea-Christian friends in mp3 form.

It's not just about me shedding my insecurities (although that's a classic and easy example for me to use in this case), but I think, all of us, Pagan or not, embracing change and transformation at this time of year.

Even before I started identifying as Pagan, the fall has always felt like a time of new beginnings for me. Part of it is obviously the beginning of a new school year (say it with me now: NERD), but more than that I've always felt the need to change gears from the lazy days of summer to full active days of the fall before shifting down into quiet reflective days of winter. Just like the leaves take this opportunity to be the brightest and most colorful before shedding themselves and releasing to the wind, so must we. May the wheel ever turn.

(You can hear "Drown Out" here. May you shed whatever it is that's weighing you down.)

Fuck yeah, Horoscopes

Now that Saturn is out of your true love sector for the first time since September 2007, you truly have a sensational outlook for finding the emotional closeness that you've been seeking for a long time.

With Venus, your ruler, in perfect angle to Neptune, you may also be swept away with sentimental thoughts. If you are dating (or even if you are not), a romantic moment that happens in November could thrill you. You are ready to chart a new direction, so there's no more reason to hang back.

With Venus gliding through your relationship house November 7-30, creating a tender "full moon" effect, your relationship should feel especially sweet this month. One outstanding, four-star day for love to mix perfectly with friendship will be November 14 - plan a party or a big dinner with many friends.


WORD UP, UNIVERSE. I am ready.

Samhain

Samhain wasn't quite the intense, emotional experience it was for me last year. Part of that has to do with the way the ritual was run this time, and frankly I don't want to get into it. In any event, I was still able to look deep down and see what I want for the coming year, figure out what negative aspects of my emotions were blocking me and release some of them.

At one point, Hades guided us in meditation to see ourselves how we want to be. I saw myself as busy, rushing, challenged, creative, and exhilarated. In my vision, I was capable and confident. I was kicky, fun, happy and my life felt full of the best things.

So, impending international travel aside, I've been feeling a bit stagnant. Especially career-wise. I think it's time to stretch and push myself again. It's time to get going.

Fabulous Scopes!

Because I'm completely gullible and I like buying into this nonsense, I checked my monthly horoscope this morning. CHECK IT OUT, PEOPLE:

Your best week will fall at mid-month when, on November 10, the mighty Sun will signal Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck and bearer of happiness. Jupiter is in your house of international travel and relationships, so you may be talking about taking a long trip or negotiating a very exciting global deal with an associate based in a foreign country.

OH HELL YES. (Because, remember, I leave for London on the 10th!) And THEN, it says:

This whole period of the year glitters brightly for travel, but just how wonderful it will get for you overall will not be fully revealed until next month. In that respect, you'll only see the tip of the iceberg in November, dear Taurus. This trend is about to get bigger and better by December's last week, so perhaps this month you'll make plans or hear encouraging news that you will act on next month. Wow! Planetary vibes in your travel and learning house come by only once a decade, and you're getting this now.

There are all kinds of possibilities in the works for you. Any venture having to do with publishing, broadcasting, or academia will glow brightly for you. You may be negotiating a book deal or hear of a chance to write a regular column or blog on the Internet. You may become a contributing editor in a magazine or newspaper, or host or produce a radio or TV show. All these areas could not possibly be better for you! Even in this case, next month will bring things to an even higher level of excitement, so stay the course.

Bring it on, universe, BRING IT ON. I am so ready.

Time for change

Things are insanely stressful over here. Plates are wobbling all over the place, what with my art work for the show being printed out wrong and not fitting in the frame properly, me sucking at writing abstracts (one that is DUE TOMORROW, oh god, I hate myself), having to read tonight despite having nothing new written, my car making a noise that does not make me happy, fighting off a summer cold, and welcoming back insomnia into my life.

This morning I dragged my carcass out of bed and began stumbling around zombie-like, trying to find clothes and get myself ready for the day. My room is currently a disaster area, since I just come in at night, dump my stuff, crash in bed, get up and dash around the next day. Lather, rinse, repeat. My floor is cluttered with books, hangers, papers, mail, bags, zines, tripods, all kinds of random flotsam from my life. How I navigate that floor after a night of tossing and turning and anxiety dreams is beyond me. So when I tripped this morning it was a forgone conclusion. I managed to catch myself on my desk chair, cursing, and noticed that I had kicked open my box of Tarot cards. The card that sailed across the room to land by my bare feet?

The Six of Swords.
Instead of ruling the emotions, the Six of Swords actually offers a highly controlled balance of logic and intuition. This is how true mental clarity arises; you can use your intuition to guide you through easy situations and call upon your impartial and analytical nature when it is needed for a more complex decision. Do not seek to suppress your emotions any more than a sea captain would want to eliminate the water. Rather, respect their presence and their power in your life, and use them to your advantage. When a balance between head and heart is achieved, truly great things can be accomplished. The Six of Swords may be a time of peace and relaxation after a long time of struggle. There could be a journey involved. Passage. You need to realize that you are now in a much better position in life. You endured a difficult transition and are now more able to deal with what may come. Change your beliefs about yourself. A trip will do you much good. This is not only a time to get away from problems, but to chart a new course that will hopefully lead to greater happiness and glory.

Make of this what you will. For me, it gave me a much-needed moment of serenity.

Internal argument

Voice 1: "I don't have a snowflake's chance in hell."

Voice 2: "Stop it. This is precisely your problem, you know."

Voice 1: "Whatever. My gift is realism. I know what the score truly is."

Voice 2: "I said, STOP IT. This is exactly what we reflected on at Ostara. What did we say binds us?"

Voice 1: "Fear and self doubt."

Voice 2: "And what energy did we concentrate on when we danced the winter away? What seeds did we plant?"

Voice 1: "Creativity. Travel. Passion."

Voice 2: "And what did we say we needed to do to break the bonds?"

Voice 1: "It's just that--"

Voice 2: "WHAT DID WE SAY?!"

Voice 1: "That I needed to put myself out there more. Take risks. Not be afraid to flaunt myself a little."

Voice 2: "That's right."

Voice 1: "But...I doubt myself for a reason. I've stumbled enough times. I've seen others succeed where I've failed so that I know exactly what my assets are, where my faults reside. I don't dream them away. I'm fucking practical."

Voice 2: "You're fucking cynical. And cynicism? It isn't attractive on anyone."

Voice 1: "Oh, so sorry. Guess I can't do anything right."

Voice 2: "Piss off. Dr. McCormick thinks you're talented enough and smart enough to start your own magazine. The Doc thinks your ideas are unique and interesting enough to get to Cardiff for that conference. Liz wants you to submit your stories to publications. On Saturday, Haven said that you're too hard on yourself. These are not people who compliment lightly or blow sunshine up your ass for the fun of it."

Voice 1: "..."

Voice 2: "So why can these people see these things and you can't?"

Voice 1: "I just don't like being rejected."

Voice 2: "Well who does?"

Voice 1: "At this stage in the game, I honestly don't think I can handle the disappointment."

Voice 2: "Disappointment is a part of life. It happens, you deal, you learn from it. Remember what Renee said, 'We all are fully in charge of our own happiness.' What are you going to do? Spend the rest your life on the couch with Dill?"

Voice 1: "No. I'm going to spend the rest of my life safe."

Voice 2: "Fuck safe. You're only going to get what you're willing to take. That's what YOU said on Sunday."

Voice 1: "I did?"

Voice 2: "Yes. What happened to that confidence, that kick-ass behavior?"

Voice 1: "It...dwindled."

Voice 2: "..."

Voice 1: "What? Why are you looking at me that way?"

Voice 2: "..."

Voice 1: "Stop it! You're creeping me out."

Voice 2: "Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

Voice 1: "What?"

Voice 2: "It DWINDLED?"

Voice 1: "Yeah."

Voice 2: "No. Cojones like that? They don't just dwindle."

Voice 1: "Um...they don't?"

Voice 2: "NO. They don't. Whatever the outcomes, you rocked this weekend AND you had fun. That confidence? That power? That 'balls to the wind' behavior? That's lurking away inside of you."

Voice 1: "Ok, yeah. But--"

Voice 2: "But nothing!"

Voice 1: "One word: Alcohol."

Voice 2: "SHUT UP."

Voice 1: "It's just that--"

Voice 2: "SACK UP, HO."

Voice 1: "But what if--"

Voice 2: "Oh, wah, wah, wah, wah. What if the other kids on the playground don't like me? What if McCain wins the presidency? What if zombies attack on Christmas Eve? What if the world ended tomorrow? You can't base anything on 'what ifs.'"

Voice 1: "Zombies attacking on Christmas Eve? That was the best you could come up with?"

Voice 2: "Shut up. You know what I mean."

Voice 1: "No, seriously? Zombies attacking would be kind of cool. I know exactly who I would have on my Zombie Attack Force."

Voice 2: "Stephanie, Mikey Likes It, Renee, Dave."

Voice 1: "Exactly!"

Voice 2: "CAN WE GET BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND?"

Voice 1: "Oh. Right."

Voice 2: "The point is, you're never going to get anywhere if you're second-guessing yourself. Cynicism, self-doubt, and timidness aren't helping you. You've held onto them long enough. They're not working. They're not attractive. You know what does work? You know what helps? You know what is attractive? Confidence. Proximity. Boldness."

Voice 1: "Well isn't that just so easy for you to say? Isn't that so easy for everyone else to tell me? How very fucking convenient. Them in the perfect relationships, with their perfect jobs, their perfect little plans falling just into place."

Voice 2: "Oh, you know what? You can eat it, wanker. No one has the perfect relationship, job, or plan falling into place -- no matter what it may seem from the outside. You know what they do have? The sense to take a risk, to fucking try something instead of silently wishing for it. The sense to fucking work on it."

Voice 1: "It shouldn't be this hard."

Voice 2: "It shouldn't be too easy either. The only things worth having are the things you've worked and struggled for. If you fail, you're no worse off than you are now."

Voice 1: "..."

Voice 2: "You know I'm right."

Voice 1: "....Yeah."

Voice 2: "It's time to get your ass in gear. Get moving."

Voice 1: "Ok. Hey...?"

Voice 2: "Mmm?"

Voice 1: "I'm scared."

Voice 2: "Me too."

Hop the pond

Sunday at Su Tao lunch with the Doc and the Triplets, I got what may be the best fortune EVER in my fortune cookie:

"You will soon be crossing the great waters."

Oh, HELL YES.

Samhain

At Mabon, Tree flat-out asked me, "So are you going to become Pagan, or what?"

I wasn't sure how to answer her. I sort of laughed and told her that I didn't know. That I was learning a lot.

A few weeks later, I told the Doc about Tree's question and asked what he thought about it. "Well," began carefully, "I think you're a Catholic Pagan."

"A Catholic Pagan? Isn't that a bit contradictory?"

"You were raised Catholic, and your family is Catholic. So I don't thing that will ever leave you. You will always find comfort and familiarity there. But I think you're discovering the more Pagan parts of your vernacular."

This gave me some pause. Something that I turned over in my mind, a lot. When I repeated Doc's theory to Tree at a party recently, she laughed as I knew she would, but then she said something I didn't expect. "He never told me that. He told me that he thought that deep down you were a Pagan and that I should invite you to some rituals."

"What?!?"

She nodded and smiled, "Yeah."

"That sneaky little punk."

Samhain was an important ritual for me to attend. Not only because the ritual was being led by friends and I wanted to be there to support them. And not just because it was the Big One, the most sacred, the one everyone thinks of when they think of witches.

For the first time I truly and fully embraced the ritual. Not that I was holding back before, exactly.

But I was. Perhaps that Catholic side of me was hesitant. Something.

Friday night, I gave myself a lot of permission. I dressed with care. I bought special fabric, specifically for this ritual. I wove flowers through my hair. On the way to the ritual, the sun was setting deep and orange, kissing everything around me with a golden hue. And for a moment, it felt like it was all for me.

During the ritual, Hades encouraged us to open up. To remember that we are from the Gods, to look deep inside and find that spark of Divine, the one that is within us all, and kindle it.

What a fucking awesome concept.

Something that I think we all forget, no matter what our denomination or belief system. Christians say that we have been created in God's image and likeness. But then we weigh ourselves down with all our problems, sins, and shame. And we forget.

But I like this concept. That there is a spark of Divine in us all, a whisp of beautiful fire within. It shows itself in our kindness, creativity, love, talent. A part of us that we can link directly back to our creation. And to one another. Separate flames from the same fire. Beautiful.

Later, Hades and Hecate both asked us to look at what we had blocking that flame. Anger, sadness, stress, loss. And release it. Get rid of it. Cast it away. Hecate exclaimed, "Give it to me! I can take it!" And she did.

Later, post ritual, Nina told me, "You were crying."

"Yeah. I cried a lot. So did everyone around me." It was true. There was a great deal of tears at this ritual. Tears, sobbing, screaming, and moaning. Rather intense. I personally expelled a lot. I looked back to everything I had been through since last October -- and there's been a great deal -- and got rid of a lot of unnecessary shit. I'm no longer allowed to be angry or ashamed or sad about of any of it. It's done. It's gone.

And now that it's gone, really truly gone in that away place, I feel so much more relaxed. Chill. At ease. I could have danced forever Friday night. Joyful, wild, Pagan dancing.

So maybe I am. A Catholic Pagan Unitarian Peace Mission Quaker. And maybe I'm OK with that.

IIIIInnteresting, Veeerry Interesting

From my July horoscope:

The month will end on a terrific career note. Your first indication that you're on the right track will come on July 20, when Mars in Taurus will signal Uranus, the ruler of your house of professional status. An unexpected victory could take you completely by surprise.

You'll be just cranking up!

By the full moon, July 29, plus or minus four days, you are due for an even bigger career development. By this time, Mercury will have regulated its orbit, so if you have had to negotiate a contract or sign one, you will be able to do so any time after July 16. By month's end, talks may conclude - and you should be very pleased with the way things pan out. With Mercury so beautifully angled to Uranus, there will be a twist that you would never expect. Lovely!

Huh. Well, what do you guys think?

It is all so easy

Two months ago, I placed a post-it note on the back of my bedroom door. It was a replica of a post-it note I had on my door over three years ago, while still living in Ardmore. The original post-it note had been given to me by Becky, who had received it as a note of encouragement from QK’s sister, Emily. I had been visiting the girls in Connecticut and bemoaning a number of issues to them: My hated then-job at P*****T, our dinky apartment with the leaky roof and the troubling exit of a former roommate, my lack of money. The girls encouraged me in a number of ways and then Becky handed me the post-it note. “Here,” she said, slipping it into my hands, “I don’t need it anymore.”

Written across the blue post-it, in red ink, Emily’s distinctive scrawl told me, “It is very easy to make changes.”

I tucked the post it note into my journal, and when I got home, I taped it to the back of my door, where I had opportunity to look at it every time I left my room, and ponder it endlessly.

It is very easy to make changes.

Not to sound all Chicken-Soup-For-The-Soul on you, but this is very good advice. It is, in fact, very easy to make changes. If you don’t like your job, get a new one! Don’t like your apartment? Move! Why make it so hard for yourself? Think about what you don’t like in your life, sack up, ho, and change it. Period.

Six months after taping that note to my door, I had a new job, an awesome new Montana Man roommate, a cat, and we had made plans to move to a bigger, nicer apartment that would shorten my commute by 40 minutes. As I was packing up my room, preparing for the big move, I took down the post-it. I walked over to the train station and placed it on a bench. Yeah, it might make me a litter bug, but I also hoped that someone else would see it and take heart in the advice or something.

Sorry. I went to the Hallmark Channel place, didn’t I?

Anyway.

Two months ago, shortly after Ostara, I began thinking, a lot, about what changes I wanted to make in my life. Life was okay, but I wasn’t satisfied. I had started to get ants in my pants on a number of issues — my creativity, my work, my love life, my personal appearance. So I thought about what to do to change it. I remembered that passively sitting around never changes anything, and posted a new note on the back of my door to help me remember, that now was the time to begin taking those steps to make those things happen.

It is very easy to make changes.

Two weeks ago, I posted my horoscope and crowed about “new chapters” that were coming in my life. I like new chapters, I wrote. Lord knows I’m ready for them, I thought.

Now new chapters have been flipped open and changes are coming at me fast and furious. But I’m no longer crowing, and when I look at the post-it note on the back of my door, I sulk. Why? Change is good, I wanted change in my life. But these weren’t the changes I was intending. These changes I have no control over, and instead of embracing them, I am kicking my feet. I feel like a lot of things are spiraling out of my control and I have no idea how to get them back again.

I need to breathe. I need to remember that this change, no matter how much I hate it right now, is for a reason, a lesson. That this change, however unintended, is going to be the catalyst for other things in my life, better things. I can feel it. I have to believe it. And I have to believe that no matter how scared I am, and no matter how much I am worried about money and logistics, no matter how much I am dreading all this, that the universe wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle. Please, I have to believe that. Don’t come back and haunt me, irony.

I have to think this way.

It is very easy to make changes.

Decision #1

Mike and I decided that we will not replace Kelly. We will be moving out of our apartment at the end of August.

Decisions still to be made: Are we moving into a new place together, or separate apartments? Who gets Dill? Where the hell are we moving to?


You guys, I hate moving so, so much. Ffffffttt.

Getting nervous too.

And still so sad.

P.S. -- Begining the Pink Bubbles/Energy Raising now: "My new apartment is affordable, with lots of light and space... My new apartment is affordable, with lots of light and space..."

Room to Let

"Are you ready for me to drop a bomb?" she asked.

"Go for it."

"After a lot of thought, long debate, and many pros and cons lists, I've decided," she paused and I leaned forward anticipating a punch line to a joke, "that come September I'm moving out and getting my own place."

I was still waiting for the "joke" portion and it took a second to process what she said. Then, shock. I could feel my face getting hot, my spine tingling. I blinked and the spots before my eyes cleared. "Wow," I said.

She went on to explain how it was nothing personal, how she just feels like she's at a point in her life where she's ready to be on her own, independent, grownup. She explained how she's stuck in a cycle she wants to break out of. She explained that financially, she's ready. I nodded my head and said things like, "I understand," and "Well, this is kind of a bummer." I was trying hard to ignore how very tight my throat had gotten.

"So, in the fall you and Mike will have to find a new roommate," she finished up.

"I can't imagine how we would ever replace you," I told her. And that? Is the damn truth. I can't imagine anyone else fitting with us as seamlessly as she does, someone that I would feel comfortable with, someone who would be as fun, cool, and kind as her.

So I said the right things. I said the supportive things. I said, "You have to do what's right for you."

I know these are the things I am supposed to say. But I don't want to say them. I want to be selfish. I want to say, "This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, please stay." I want to get on my knees and beg.

But I can't do this. Because deep, deep, down, I know things will be OK. That she's thought this through. That things like this happen for a reason. That she wouldn't rush into something like this if she wasn't sure. That she's doing what she needs to do.

I don't have to like it though.

Later, when we were hugging, fat tears leaking out of both of our eyes, she said, "I feel like I'm divorcing you. I hate doing this to you." And I know she was telling the truth. That this decision must have been agonizing for her.

I'm not stupid. I knew this would happen at some point. That one of us would leave, breaking the trifecta of awesome that we are. And I knew it was coming soon. But in my head, I thought "soon" was next year. I thought we had one good year left in us. When I pictured us splitting up, I thought Kelly would be headed off west, to Portland or Seattle. That Mike would be going off to school. And me? Lord only knows. I can't blame Kelly for wanting this now, though. She's 26 (...27 in the fall), and I can understand her wanting her privacy, independence, freedom, her own space. And I know she's trying to change her life for the better, anyway she can, and I can't begrudge her that. I want her to be happy.

Things are going to be OK. All of this will work out exactly as it's supposed to. Mike and I haven't discussed what we're going to do yet (hell at this point, I don't think Mike knows yet), whether we'll get another roommate (doubtful, in my opinion), move to a smaller place (possible), or break off on our own (scary, but also possible). Whatever we decide, we'll all be all right, we're ending on good terms. This is the way life works.

But right now, I'm just so sad.

Bring it on, June

Oh, Horoscopes. I am so your bitch. You know this. I know this. I don't know why I pretend to be skeptical -- every month, nay every week, I am banging on your door.

Keep in mind that you are coming to the end of a chapter and are about to start a brand new one. Anything that has not functioned well for you will need to be jettisoned from your life soon, for you are starting a new two-year cycle during the period that spans from June 25 to August 7. The seeds you plant then, while Mars tours Taurus, will have a wonderful chance for success.

Well, awesome. I like new chapters. I need new chapters.

From the new moon in Gemini on June 14 onward, you will set out to increase your salary, something you can accomplish in various ways [...] Speak up for a raise just after the potent new moon arrives in your house of earned income on June 14. This will be your very best point of the month - even the YEAR - to campaign for more money in your paycheck. You'll have approximately ten days to seal your deal. Make a list of accomplishments and contributions, and present them in a compelling way. You'll walk home with an even bigger raise than you ever expected!

Get this -- that's my anniversary date. My review/salary negotiation day. I had been dreading it because I'm horrible at asserting myself for more money. I suck at it. And this year, after all I've been through and done I really feel I deserve more. I can't go on making this little money. So I've been dreading that day because in my mind I've pictured it as a fight that I'm going to lose. And while it still may be a fight, maybe I won't lose...

Hysterically, my horoscope also talks about going minimalist, clearing out clutter, etc. And while a good portion of that is probably metaphor about Larger Things In My Life, guess what I'm doing this month? Helping The Doc clean his office. I've been helping him the last two days (oh God, we've found stuff from 10 years ago) and it's been a tough battle. Almost worse than his house because his office is tiny and there's no room to maneuver. He's throwing away a lot of crap, I'm actually impressed. But right now...Lord, it seems we'll never be done.

Big Decisions

PROS
It's a writing job
It's more money with bigger yearly bonuses
A chance to see my work get published on a monthly basis
Good networking opportunities
Possibility of travel
Looks great on my resume/good foot in the door for more serious magazine work

CONS
Technical writing, so it's boring and not creative at all and I don't care about subject matter
If I get the raise I expect next month, the money and bonuses pretty much equal out
I would work in close contact, on a daily basis, with someone I really dislike
In fact, this person would be my boss
And this person drives me insane as it is
And the work I would be doing is all his bitch-work that he really should be doing anyway
I would have to work on a PC (yes, this is a most definite CON)
I actually like production work and I would miss it a great deal
High, high stress levels


I think I know what my decision is. What would you do?

Demanding and Exhilarating

Taurus
One of the most demanding and exhilarating transitions of 2007 is coming. Here are five tips to help you get maximum enjoyment out of it. (1) Be an early adapter, a quick study, and a resilient improviser. (2) Hang out in places where things are just beginning. (3) Intensify your commitment to the lessons that spontaneity can bring. (4) Be a specialist in uprisings and breakthroughs. (5) Give your generous attention to influences that are pure, innocent, and buoyant.

I'm in. Sign me up!

Ostara

"What binds you?," Teresa asks me.

I've thought long and hard about my answer, ever since she told me about this part of the ritual. We're standing in the south corner of the room, the corner to represent passion, creativity, and motivation. This seemed like the most appropriate corner since I feel like my life is lacking all of these.

When I answer, "Self-doubt," Teresa nods her head with understanding. This is nothing new for me, an issue that's followed me forever, an issue that everyone knows I have. "Katie, meditate on what it is you need to do to be free." As she tells me this, she wraps my wrists together with masking tape.

Instead of joining the circle right away, I move back to my spot at the edge of the room. I close my eyes for awhile and sway to the drumming. I try to meditate in a way that's effective and not in a way that makes me feel sorry for my silly unconfident self. When I finally open my eyes, I see that most of the room is slowly walking around the circle. I figure it's time to join in. If I don't know the answer by now, I never will.

As we continue the circle, the drumming becomes more insistent and the pace becomes quicker. As I'm making my third revolution, a gong starts vibrating, sending chills up and down my arms. In an almost synchronized way, as if we practiced it, one by one we pull apart our wrists and break the masking tape.

For the first time in a long time, I feel completely refreshed.

First loves and other sorrows

Taurus
Happy Valentine Daze, Taurus! During this lover's holiday, I encourage you to devote yourself full-time to acting like a person who's in love. Even if you're not currently in the throes of passion for a special someone, pretend you are. Everywhere you go, exude that charismatic blend of shell-shocked contentment and blissful turmoil that comes over you when you're infatuated. Let everyone you meet soak up the delicious wisdom you exude. Dispense free blessings and extra slack like a rich saint high on natural endorphins. (I assure you that this assignment is in perfect accord with the astrological omens.)

Astrological omens of what, exactly? Give it up -- what's in store? I've become quite the little psychic junkie lately. I'm about two steps away from throwing my Tarot cards at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror and then sliding down the wall sobbing, a la Lifetime television movies. It's proving that the present is just too boring to deal with right now (or blog about) and I'm ready for shit to happen already.

I was thinking about all this in relation to some interesting news I've received: My first love and high school sweetheart is expecting his first child. Which, you know, awesome! But also: weird.

He and I were quite dumb when we were together, in that retardedly naive way 17-year-olds are. We were convinced we were made for each other, sure that we would be together forever, and were quite needy of each other. Again, we were sort of dumb. But we believed it. We talked about living together, about being married, and having children. When we broke up, right after graduation, it devastated me. I got over it, of course, the way you get over your first love —— by stomping around the house in a funk listening to nonstop soggy romance tunes and bursting into tears whenever I saw mundane household items such as the sugar bowl because it reminded me of the one time we made cookies together. It was all very dramatic and high school. But obviously it was the right thing because it spun me off to college a single woman and eventually into a new relationship. A relationship that was better for me. A relationship that let me grow and change and not have it be about Forever but instead be more about Right Now.

And look at us now: polar opposites. He's married and expecting his first child and working as an organist and music director and I'm single and living here with roommates and a cat working in publishing. We are completely different people, both from who we were then and from each other. All's well that ends well.

Last night, however, I started to feel the bitterness creep in a bit. Everyone is mojo-ing along quite nicely and I'm feeling stalled once again. And as much as I know this hiatus is apart of the bigger picture and teaching me a lesson of, like, self appreciation and patience or something, it gets frustrating. I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do next. Or if I'm supposed to do anything at all, even. All I do know is that I am tired of this chapter and ready for the next.

Fingers crossed!

As much as I am looking forward to VALENTINE'S DAY DEATH SHELTER '07 with Renee, featuring a box of wine, Clark Gable, ice cream, and perhaps too many pervy glances at this picture (shut up), I can't help but be hopeful of this:

Taurus
Even if you can't travel, Valentine's Day should be divinely romantic. With the moon in lovely-for-you Capricorn, and your ruling planet Venus ready to plant a big fat kiss on Mars, you'll be dripping with magnetism and charm. If you don't get a Valentine's Day card by email or snail mail, it won't be because someone didn't want to send one. Rather, it will probably be because one certain person was too shy to send a card. Next month you may find out the identity of that person, so keep your eyes open. For now, just know you are loved and admired - a lovely state to be in!

Sue Miller, I've doubted you before. For that I would like to apologize. I am now closing my eyes and wishing that you are right. Because as Miss J and Miss T can testify, after many giggly school-girl whispered conversations in their cubes, It Is Time.

The Seven of Cups

This is a very spiritual card. It is a card of dreaming and possiblities. Tell the querent to interpret or write down their dreams, because they will find it easy to connect with their spirit guides and will themselves be experiencing some psychic visions. There will be many choices in the coming year, so tell the querent to prepare for changes, which in turn will take them to a new learning curve. Positive things are ahead, so looking forward to these experiences will open a new chapter in their life. The true answer to the question lies within. Await new beginnings.


Make of this what you will.