Samhain

At Mabon, Tree flat-out asked me, "So are you going to become Pagan, or what?"

I wasn't sure how to answer her. I sort of laughed and told her that I didn't know. That I was learning a lot.

A few weeks later, I told the Doc about Tree's question and asked what he thought about it. "Well," began carefully, "I think you're a Catholic Pagan."

"A Catholic Pagan? Isn't that a bit contradictory?"

"You were raised Catholic, and your family is Catholic. So I don't thing that will ever leave you. You will always find comfort and familiarity there. But I think you're discovering the more Pagan parts of your vernacular."

This gave me some pause. Something that I turned over in my mind, a lot. When I repeated Doc's theory to Tree at a party recently, she laughed as I knew she would, but then she said something I didn't expect. "He never told me that. He told me that he thought that deep down you were a Pagan and that I should invite you to some rituals."

"What?!?"

She nodded and smiled, "Yeah."

"That sneaky little punk."

Samhain was an important ritual for me to attend. Not only because the ritual was being led by friends and I wanted to be there to support them. And not just because it was the Big One, the most sacred, the one everyone thinks of when they think of witches.

For the first time I truly and fully embraced the ritual. Not that I was holding back before, exactly.

But I was. Perhaps that Catholic side of me was hesitant. Something.

Friday night, I gave myself a lot of permission. I dressed with care. I bought special fabric, specifically for this ritual. I wove flowers through my hair. On the way to the ritual, the sun was setting deep and orange, kissing everything around me with a golden hue. And for a moment, it felt like it was all for me.

During the ritual, Hades encouraged us to open up. To remember that we are from the Gods, to look deep inside and find that spark of Divine, the one that is within us all, and kindle it.

What a fucking awesome concept.

Something that I think we all forget, no matter what our denomination or belief system. Christians say that we have been created in God's image and likeness. But then we weigh ourselves down with all our problems, sins, and shame. And we forget.

But I like this concept. That there is a spark of Divine in us all, a whisp of beautiful fire within. It shows itself in our kindness, creativity, love, talent. A part of us that we can link directly back to our creation. And to one another. Separate flames from the same fire. Beautiful.

Later, Hades and Hecate both asked us to look at what we had blocking that flame. Anger, sadness, stress, loss. And release it. Get rid of it. Cast it away. Hecate exclaimed, "Give it to me! I can take it!" And she did.

Later, post ritual, Nina told me, "You were crying."

"Yeah. I cried a lot. So did everyone around me." It was true. There was a great deal of tears at this ritual. Tears, sobbing, screaming, and moaning. Rather intense. I personally expelled a lot. I looked back to everything I had been through since last October -- and there's been a great deal -- and got rid of a lot of unnecessary shit. I'm no longer allowed to be angry or ashamed or sad about of any of it. It's done. It's gone.

And now that it's gone, really truly gone in that away place, I feel so much more relaxed. Chill. At ease. I could have danced forever Friday night. Joyful, wild, Pagan dancing.

So maybe I am. A Catholic Pagan Unitarian Peace Mission Quaker. And maybe I'm OK with that.