We used to be very tall buildings
We’ve been falling for so long
Now your eyes follow the sign on the edge of town
They offer a welcome when you are leaving
War all of the time
In the shadow of the New York skyline
We grew up too fast falling apart
Like the ashes of American flags
The pieces fall it’s like a last day parade
And the fires in our streets start to rage,
so wave, to the people that long to wave back,
from the fabric of a flag that sang "love all of the time" — Thursday, "War All the Time"
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Five years ago, I lived in apartment 103 with Kelly, Renee, Justine, and Tara. Five years ago, I had long hair and glasses that had larger frames. Five years ago I was terrified of graduating and had no idea what I would do once it came time to leave Cabrini. Five years ago, I didn’t have a car. Red Menace wouldn’t come to me until my senior year and five years ago, if I needed to get somewhere off campus, I bummed a ride or borrowed Karen R’s old car, White Lightning. Five years ago, I had just taken over the "Local Yokel" radio show on WYBF. I had just joined
Loquitur as a staff photographer. I had taken on my first editing position on
Woodcrest and had no clue what I was doing.
Five years ago I was a junior at Cabrini College.
Five years ago, I didn’t pay attention to politics, not very much. I only voted in Presidential Elections. I was a registered Republican. I considered myself to be a "liberal" Republican because I was for the ideals of Democrats, but liked the ideas of small government and thought that I was a capitalist. Five years ago, I told myself that I had registered as a Republican instead of "independent" because I wanted to vote in primaries.
Five years ago, I was kind of stupid.
Five years ago, I didn’t distrust our government. I didn’t have any doubt that Congress, our president, or anyone else working for the government wouldn’t do what was best for the country. I wasn’t thrilled with the job Bush was doing, but wasn’t concerned because I figured, hell, it’s only 4 years and really, how much can he fuck up? Five years ago, President Bush was a mockery, a mild annoyance, someone who was dumb enough to choke on a pretzel. I wasn’t worried about my friends who were in the ROTC, the Army Reserve, the Navy, or Marines. The word "spin" was not in my vocabulary when it came to the media. Five years ago, I thought news was unbiased.
Five years ago, I was really naïve.
Five years ago, I had a boyfriend. I was involved in campus activities and had a part time retail job off campus. I was pulling a 3.5 GPA. I had two awesome circles of friends that would sometimes intersect: 141 and ’03 kids. My apartment mates and I would stay up late watching Skinamax and eating Girl Scout Cookies or take trips to Burger King with a tipsy Justine. Five years ago, I would bitch about Wood Dining services and whine about my British Lit class with MJ.
Five years ago, I lived in a bubble and didn’t care about the outside world.
Five years ago, I got up early to work on a paper for my 12:15 Writing for Publishing class with Dr. Frechie. Five years ago, at 9:16 am I got a phone call from my father, even though he was at work and never called me in the morning. My father told me not to go into Philadelphia. I hadn’t even turned on the radio yet that morning so I asked why. Five years ago, my father told me to turn on the damn TV because America was under attack and nobody knew what was going on but his ambulance company might be going to New York to help.
Five years ago I turned on the TV and saw something I never expected to see.
Five years ago, I stood in front of my TV and thought for a second, just for a second, that there was a mistake, that the plane crashing into the first tower was an accident. Then they showed the footage of the second plane crashing purposefully into the other tower and my second-long fantasy of it just being a horrible accident was shattered. Five years ago, Kelly knocked on my bedroom door, popped her head in and said, "Are you
seeing this?"
Five years ago, Kelly, Tara, and I huddled around my tiny 13" TV and watched the towers fall.
Five years ago, I couldn’t stand it and left my apartment and ran to the communication wing. Five years ago, I popped my head into the newsroom where everyone was scrambling. Justine handed me a camera and said, "Take pictures of what’s going on around campus." Five years ago, I had nothing to take pictures of because the campus had screeched to a halt and everyone was in their room watching the news or on the phone trying to get a hold of loved ones. I walked across campus back to my room and ran into Becky who hugged me and said, "What is going
on?!"
Five years ago, Gary called me and asked, "Did you know the world is ending?" Gary told me he didn’t want to be home alone and asked if he could come over. I called QK who also lived alone and invited her to come over too. Five years ago, I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup because that seemed like comforting food or something. QK, Becky, Gary and I sat on the apartment’s futon not eating our grilled cheese sandwiches and stared at the TV screen trying to wrap our heads around the reality that those two buildings, the ones that had stood there for our entire lives, the ones that we had all gone to the top of at some point, the ones that had been printed on hundreds of postcards and posters, were gone. Five years ago, Gary turned to me and softly said, "I hope they rebuild them."
Five years ago, I called home and spoke to my mother. "Oh Kate. You’re never going to forget this day," she told me, and then she began to cry. I realized that she wasn’t crying for the towers or for our county, but rather for me and my friends. That we had to experience something so horrifying happening, that we had lost our innocence. "This is your Kennedy assassination," she told me, "only…" and then she dissolved into tears again, unable to finish the sentence which I imagine must have ended with
only much worse.
Five years ago, I didn’t want to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up the next morning and find out something else horrible had happened. When I did wake up, it was to the Today Show doing a montage of all the memorials around the world at U.S. embassies and showing the outpouring of sympathy and grief citizens around the world showed to us. And I cried.
Five years ago, in spite of it all, I felt a lot of hope. I felt like President Bush might be able to rise to the occasion and be the leader we all needed him to be. I felt like we had the world on our side. Five years ago, I felt like we had a chance as a nation to over come this and be stronger than ever. Five years ago, we lit candles and hung an American Flag in our apartment window.
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Today, I am so liberal Democrats don’t even want me. I watch the news every night with a wary eye. I get frustrated at the lack of media coverage on important issues like Bush finally admitting that the war in Iraq had nothing to do with September 11th, or our use of white phosphorous, or about the five soldiers raping killing Iraqi girls. Why do have to turn to page 14 of
The New York Times to find this and why am I the only one that’s SO ANGRY? Clinton got a blow job and we tarred and feathered him, this administration is a lying clusterfuck in motion and we’re stilted and slow in our reaction. Today I am cynical. I trust
The Daily Show more than I trust CNN. I feel we have lost our friends and alienated ourselves from the rest of the world. I'm more afraid of an attack now than I was in the initial months following September 11th, not because America is "unsafe" or any of that Homeland Security bullshit, but because of all the chances this administration had to rise to the occasion and be a strong leader in the U.N. or the world failed, miserably. Because in trying to fight a "war on terror" we became just like the terrorists we wanted to wipe out. Today, I watched just five minutes of the Matt Lauer interview with President Bush and wanted to kick my TV because Matt asked Bush about international secret CIA detainment sites and Bush told Matt that the U.S. only questions suspects by techniques that are within the law. When Matt pointed out that Amnesty International classifies secret detainment sites as illegal, Bush responded by saying, "Well, we disagree." And then when Matt asked how Bush would like to respond to the report that there is torture being used at these facilities, Bush said "I’m not going to discuss techniques with you." And seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?
Today, I worry that we are dishonoring the valor and bravery of those who died or survived the September 11th attacks by being complacent and apathetic. By not being critical of the lines that are being spoon fed to us from the so called "liberal media."
Is America unsafe? Yes. And we always will be. Short of building a bio-dome around the country, there’s nothing we can do to protect it. Our best protection would have been to be a just, strong leader in the U.N. To help the countries that needed us, to defend our nation in a way that was…just and vindicated.
Five years ago, while I knew the U.S. didn’t always do the right thing, I believe we always
tried to do the right thing. Today, with everything that’s happened since, I don’t know if I can say that anymore.
Let me be clear: I love my country. I believe in my country. I believe that my country has the potential unlike that of any other nation in this world. I do not, however, think we are without blame, beyond judgement, or above world law. I think we are a young country, a baby, barely teenagers in the grand scheme of things. I’d like to think that we’re going through our adolescent huffy tantrum and acting out phase.
Five years ago, I sat in front of my TV and cried for all those people I didn’t know, cried for my country, cried in gratefulness for our allies in the world.
Tonight, I sat in front of my TV and cried for all those people I didn’t know, cried for my country, cried in regret for the allies we have lost, and cried for how much we still haven't learned.
