Galahad: Where's the human female?
Dill: Oh, she does this sometimes.
Galahad: Does what?
Dill: Well, she'll go off and disappear, surfacing only for food, sleep and the occasional British comedy. It happens every couple of months. You always know when it's happening because she starts muttering about "finals" and "projects" and keeps forgetting to cuddle you. Don't worry. It will pass.
Kayla: Really? Because she's been gone, like, 18 hours.
Dill: No, don't worry. She always comes home, eventually.
Galahad: She just seems so...tense these past couple of days.
Dill: Yeah, it happens. But then, when it's over, she's suddenly home like ALL the time, and constantly wants to play with you and pet you. It's awesome.
Kayla: Oh, good. You know what?
Galahad: What?
Kayla: I was thinking we should do something for her.
Dill: Really? Like what?
Kayla: Well, I don't know. It's just that human female is so good about filling our food dish and constantly refilling the water bowl after Galahad spills it everywhere.
Galahad: I like water, OK?
Dill: She is really good for those things.
Galahad: It's wet! And it feels squishy and cool in your fur. And when you tip the bowl over, and makes a big clanging sound and a SPLASH! How do you not love that?
Kayla: She's also really good about leaving around little pieces of plastic for me to play with.
Dill: She's so good at the chin rub too, did you ever notice? Like, she knows exactly when to rub underneath your chin and along your jaw. Gets me everytime, that does.
Galahad: And once the water has splashed on the floor, you can ROLL in it, all orgasmic-like.
Kayla: ANYWAY. I was thinking that we should do something nice for her, is all.
Dill: But what can we do?
Galahad: Maybe we should give her a present.
Kayla: Oh a present! Perfect! It's Christmas and the season of giving, after all.
Dill: But what would human female like?
Kayla: Oh! You know what? Recently she's been all about that new piece of furniture in her room.
Galahad: Do you mean the bed? That's not new. It smells distinctly like Conshohocken.
Kayla: How in the world do you even know what Conshohocken smells like?
Galahad: Oh, I know things.
Dill: Whatever. It's new to her. She loves it too, she keeps, like, rolling across it. And yelling, "Starfish!" and then spreading her limbs out and rejoicing when none of her appendages fall off the edge.
Kayla: Humans are so cute sometimes.
Dill: She bought all those new blankets and down comforters and things for it, too.
Galahad: Oh, I know. They're all so soft and cozy for napping.
Dill: So the present should involve the bed, yes? We're agreed?
Galahad and Kayla: Agreed.
Galahad: OH I KNOW.
Kayla: What?
Galahad: Let's give her the gift of food.
Dill: Brilliant!
Kayla: Really? I was thinking of something more shiny...
Galahad: No listen, this is perfect — we all love food, right? So let's give her some of our food.
Dill: But how will we get it up the stairs?
Galahad: We'll have to carry it up in our bodies. We'll eat the food first. And then upchuck once we get upstairs.
Kayla: Sounds...tricky. And a little yucky.
Dill: But she'll know it means we really care.
Kayla: I guess you're right. Hey! Let's make it extra special. Let's make it so she can't figure out which one of us gave her the present. Secret Santa!
Galahad: Oh, she loves a mystery!
Dill: It will be a crazy caper!
Kayla: Crazy Cat Caper! Ok, so immediately she'll suspect Galahad, because he's the resident horker.
Galahad: Hey, when you're good at something, do it early and often.
Kayla: BUT, if we leave too much, she'll start to suspect Dill.
Dill: Ooh, good idea.
Kalya: And just to throw a total wrench into it, as well as throwing up on the bed, we'll also throw up on the floor and...hmmm...I've got it! We'll throw up on the floor and on the sweater that she haphazardly threw towards the hamper, but landed on the floor and I like to nap on. So she'll have evidence towards all three of us!
Dill: This is the best plan ever! Let's go!
Galahad: I can't wait to see her face when she comes in at 3 a.m. after a long night of design and writing and sees that she has to wash all of her brand new sheets and blankets and has to sleep on the couch!
FIN
Dill: Oh, she does this sometimes.
Galahad: Does what?
Dill: Well, she'll go off and disappear, surfacing only for food, sleep and the occasional British comedy. It happens every couple of months. You always know when it's happening because she starts muttering about "finals" and "projects" and keeps forgetting to cuddle you. Don't worry. It will pass.
Kayla: Really? Because she's been gone, like, 18 hours.
Dill: No, don't worry. She always comes home, eventually.
Galahad: She just seems so...tense these past couple of days.
Dill: Yeah, it happens. But then, when it's over, she's suddenly home like ALL the time, and constantly wants to play with you and pet you. It's awesome.
Kayla: Oh, good. You know what?
Galahad: What?
Kayla: I was thinking we should do something for her.
Dill: Really? Like what?
Kayla: Well, I don't know. It's just that human female is so good about filling our food dish and constantly refilling the water bowl after Galahad spills it everywhere.
Galahad: I like water, OK?
Dill: She is really good for those things.
Galahad: It's wet! And it feels squishy and cool in your fur. And when you tip the bowl over, and makes a big clanging sound and a SPLASH! How do you not love that?
Kayla: She's also really good about leaving around little pieces of plastic for me to play with.
Dill: She's so good at the chin rub too, did you ever notice? Like, she knows exactly when to rub underneath your chin and along your jaw. Gets me everytime, that does.
Galahad: And once the water has splashed on the floor, you can ROLL in it, all orgasmic-like.
Kayla: ANYWAY. I was thinking that we should do something nice for her, is all.
Dill: But what can we do?
Galahad: Maybe we should give her a present.
Kayla: Oh a present! Perfect! It's Christmas and the season of giving, after all.
Dill: But what would human female like?
Kayla: Oh! You know what? Recently she's been all about that new piece of furniture in her room.
Galahad: Do you mean the bed? That's not new. It smells distinctly like Conshohocken.
Kayla: How in the world do you even know what Conshohocken smells like?
Galahad: Oh, I know things.
Dill: Whatever. It's new to her. She loves it too, she keeps, like, rolling across it. And yelling, "Starfish!" and then spreading her limbs out and rejoicing when none of her appendages fall off the edge.
Kayla: Humans are so cute sometimes.
Dill: She bought all those new blankets and down comforters and things for it, too.
Galahad: Oh, I know. They're all so soft and cozy for napping.
Dill: So the present should involve the bed, yes? We're agreed?
Galahad and Kayla: Agreed.
Galahad: OH I KNOW.
Kayla: What?
Galahad: Let's give her the gift of food.
Dill: Brilliant!
Kayla: Really? I was thinking of something more shiny...
Galahad: No listen, this is perfect — we all love food, right? So let's give her some of our food.
Dill: But how will we get it up the stairs?
Galahad: We'll have to carry it up in our bodies. We'll eat the food first. And then upchuck once we get upstairs.
Kayla: Sounds...tricky. And a little yucky.
Dill: But she'll know it means we really care.
Kayla: I guess you're right. Hey! Let's make it extra special. Let's make it so she can't figure out which one of us gave her the present. Secret Santa!
Galahad: Oh, she loves a mystery!
Dill: It will be a crazy caper!
Kayla: Crazy Cat Caper! Ok, so immediately she'll suspect Galahad, because he's the resident horker.
Galahad: Hey, when you're good at something, do it early and often.
Kayla: BUT, if we leave too much, she'll start to suspect Dill.
Dill: Ooh, good idea.
Kalya: And just to throw a total wrench into it, as well as throwing up on the bed, we'll also throw up on the floor and...hmmm...I've got it! We'll throw up on the floor and on the sweater that she haphazardly threw towards the hamper, but landed on the floor and I like to nap on. So she'll have evidence towards all three of us!
Dill: This is the best plan ever! Let's go!
Galahad: I can't wait to see her face when she comes in at 3 a.m. after a long night of design and writing and sees that she has to wash all of her brand new sheets and blankets and has to sleep on the couch!
FIN
Labels: Cat Tales, General Whining
1 Comments:
Hilarious!
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