And you wonder why I have self-esteem issues

The scene: Sitting around tipsily chatting about sex with a male friend whom I shall call "B."

B and I were discussing losing virginity and about how among our friends it was originally thought (incorrectly) that I had been the one to take his virginity. We were kind of chuckling good-naturedly about this because while B and I are friends, there has never been anything remotely romantic between us.

"I had to practically swear on a stack of Bibles before J would believe that I didn't steal your precious flower."

B laughed and shook his head. "I would have thought that J would have given me more credit than that."

And everything stopped.

"What?"

Because B is a man and therefore retarded, he then repeated himself.

"I thought J would have given me more credit."

Even L sitting next to us had to suck in her breath. It then dawned on B what he had said and what it meant.

"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. It's just that we barely know each other and I would never..."

"Didn't you lose it on a one night stand?"

"Yes, but it was someone...I just didn't know you very well when all of it happened and I..."

"Mmmhmmm..."

"No, really, Kate. You're one of the most confident...confident...energetic..."

"No, it's fine, B. I get it."

"Please don't be mad at me...give me a kiss prove that we're fine."

"Noooo, that's OK."

"Common' just on the cheek to forgive me. I don't want you to be mad at me, I didn't mean it like that at all."

I gave him a peck and continued to bust his balls all night about it.

I wish I could say that it was a comment easily forgotten, a drop of rain that rolled off a duck's back. I wish I could say that I didn't dwell on it the rest of the night. I wish I could say that I didn't wake up thinking about it this morning. I wish I could say that it doesn't matter, that it’s not just one more pebble tipping the heavy scale in favor of me being this way forever.

But I would be lying.