Kelly and I made the executive decisions last night to begin new careers in advertising. We decided this because commercials are really fucking dumb and if people are getting millions of dollars to think this stuff up, then Christ, Kelly and I are really in the wrong business.
It started a few weeks ago when we were watching Everwood (shut up) and a commercial came on for EPT or some other peeing on a stick product that went as follows: A young, vibrant woman is jogging on a path in a park. The shot slows down in a close up of her face as she stops jogging and she internal monologues, I can’t concentrate. Could I be pregnant?
Kelly and I instantly cracked up, because:
1) She’s JOGGING. It’s not an activity that requires a lot of brain activity, aside from actively trying to avoid running head on into moving traffic. If she was, oh I don’t know, doing her taxes, or taking a sociology class, or in a board meeting or something, I would get it.
2) If lack of concentration is a symptom of pregnancy than I’ve been pregnant approximately eleventy thousand times since the 8th grade.
The commercial ends after showing us how easy the test is to read (One line – not pregnant! Two lines – pregnant!) and then shows a shot of our jogging girl as she runs through the park with a smile on her face, tosses an errant ball to some kids and thinks to herself, It’s good to know.
Commercials like this piss me off because, really, there’s only two kinds of people who use pregnancy tests – those who are having a pregnancy “scare” and those who are trying to get pregnant. Having our jogging girl think “it’s good to know,” is the advertiser’s way of reaching out to both types of consumers without offending or alienating either one. But for those of us who have no use for pregnancy tests, it’s maddening because you’ve just taken up a minute and a half of my life with your earnest, yet sensitive commercial and I never get to find out if our I-can’t-concentrate-while-jogging girl is knocked up or not. At least give me some resolution.
While I’m up, shut up all feminine hygiene product commercials everywhere. If I never have to sit through another demonstration of that blue liquid being quickly absorbed so that I can be dry and fresh ever again, I will die a happy woman. News flash – it’s a pad. We all know how it works. Also: showing footage of women frolicking through the surf, turning cartwheels, and horseback riding is not going to prove to me that your product will make me forget that I am menstruating. Or prove anything for that matter. Stop it.
Anyway, last night Kelly and I decided to break into advertising because we saw the following stupid things:
I don’t know why Kelly and I are suddenly so bothered by all of this, seeing as retarded commercials have been around since the dawn of television. But, we’re certainly going to cash in on this because do you know how much companies pay for advertising? Billions and billions of dollars! Do you know whose pockets need billions and billions of dollars? Mine. That digital SLR is not going to buy its damn self, that’s for sure.
It started a few weeks ago when we were watching Everwood (shut up) and a commercial came on for EPT or some other peeing on a stick product that went as follows: A young, vibrant woman is jogging on a path in a park. The shot slows down in a close up of her face as she stops jogging and she internal monologues, I can’t concentrate. Could I be pregnant?
Kelly and I instantly cracked up, because:
1) She’s JOGGING. It’s not an activity that requires a lot of brain activity, aside from actively trying to avoid running head on into moving traffic. If she was, oh I don’t know, doing her taxes, or taking a sociology class, or in a board meeting or something, I would get it.
2) If lack of concentration is a symptom of pregnancy than I’ve been pregnant approximately eleventy thousand times since the 8th grade.
The commercial ends after showing us how easy the test is to read (One line – not pregnant! Two lines – pregnant!) and then shows a shot of our jogging girl as she runs through the park with a smile on her face, tosses an errant ball to some kids and thinks to herself, It’s good to know.
Commercials like this piss me off because, really, there’s only two kinds of people who use pregnancy tests – those who are having a pregnancy “scare” and those who are trying to get pregnant. Having our jogging girl think “it’s good to know,” is the advertiser’s way of reaching out to both types of consumers without offending or alienating either one. But for those of us who have no use for pregnancy tests, it’s maddening because you’ve just taken up a minute and a half of my life with your earnest, yet sensitive commercial and I never get to find out if our I-can’t-concentrate-while-jogging girl is knocked up or not. At least give me some resolution.
While I’m up, shut up all feminine hygiene product commercials everywhere. If I never have to sit through another demonstration of that blue liquid being quickly absorbed so that I can be dry and fresh ever again, I will die a happy woman. News flash – it’s a pad. We all know how it works. Also: showing footage of women frolicking through the surf, turning cartwheels, and horseback riding is not going to prove to me that your product will make me forget that I am menstruating. Or prove anything for that matter. Stop it.
Anyway, last night Kelly and I decided to break into advertising because we saw the following stupid things:
- www.baby.com being the domain for Johnson & Johnson. I don’t know why this bothered me so much and amused Kelly so much, but it just seems dumb. What’s wrong with just having johnsonandjohnson.com? (ETA: OK, www.jnj.com is the corporate site and baby.com is the baby product site. Still, this seems dumb. Baby.com seems like the kind of site I would go to if I was pregnant and looking for info and advice and where to find deals on snuglis. Annoying.)
- A car commercial with the tag line “ A fit is go!” What does that even mean!?! Part of me thinks they’re trying capitalize on and reference the All Your Base Are Belong To Us idea. If this is the case they are retarded because they’re about 4 years too late to the party and the commercial makes NO SENSE because it had nothing to do with video games.
- A Miller Lite commercial with a bunch of quasi celebrity men having a meeting of some sort with Burt Reynolds leading the conversation about when it’s acceptable to date your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. They’re all drinking Miller Lite, but the beer is never mentioned or anything. I would almost be OK with this commercial if the banter the guys were having were interesting or clever, but it’s neither. Of course, Mike laughed at it, causing Kelly and I to presume that you needed a penis to get the joke.
I don’t know why Kelly and I are suddenly so bothered by all of this, seeing as retarded commercials have been around since the dawn of television. But, we’re certainly going to cash in on this because do you know how much companies pay for advertising? Billions and billions of dollars! Do you know whose pockets need billions and billions of dollars? Mine. That digital SLR is not going to buy its damn self, that’s for sure.
4 Comments:
Page 15 of section A of today’s Philadelphia Inquirer has a lovely ad for “Intra-Cleanse.” It features a muscular, tan dude (who may very well be naked) holding up a less tan, bikini-clad woman. They are so excited about their proximity to each other that they can’t keep their mouths closed. The quote, “No more constipation, hemorrhoids, or gas!” Apparently a “Revolutionary new all-natural formula internally cleanses your system, keeping you regular, comfortable, and hemorrhoid free!” (As well as tan, thin, happy, and in the same newspaper section as the election results.) Nice.
I was still asleep when I saw it on the subway this morning and stared for ten minutes trying to decide if things this dumb are always in section A. They are.
See. This is what I'm talking about. Half naked tan people talking about hemorrhoids. Why? Because the advertising universe has no rules!
No. Don't go to the dark side. You need to sell your soul and have a lobotomy to be a good advertiser.
Oh, and for some reason the previous comment reminded me of this informative site. (Sometimes it's great to read about pooper cancer all day.)
I saw that Miller Lite commercial and almost pissed myself. I guess you do need a good ole 6-incher to get it. Err...at least 6, I mean...
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