Sarah wants me to delete my entry from Saturday morning/Sunday night, but I am not going to. Because at that moment, that is exactly how I was feeling. Awful, dejected, and sad. Come Sunday I had had time to process everything and, you know, it's fine.
Curious as to what was going on? Fine, let me fill you in.
It was Leslie's Bachelorette party (oh my goodness, pictures are on the way. Stay tuned for that). We were in Ice Nightclub, which is appropriately trashy for such an occasion. Bride-to-Be was shaking her groove thing on the dance floor. Justine, being an awesome friend, was finding men for her to dance with. Justine would go up to a gentleman, lean in close to him and say, "Hi my name is Justine. Do you dance?" They would smile and nod and she would lead them blithely to the dance floor to get down with Leslie for a few minutes. I had consumed enough liquor by this point in the evening that I decided to be Justine's helper. So I went off with her, in search of reasonably attractive men to dance with our bachelorette.
Justine and I spotted them at the same time. Two guys opposite ends of the bar. I went to the one, she went to the other.
"Hi," I said to the guy, whose tie was loosened around his neck in that sort of roguish, attractive way. "My name is Katie. Do you dance?"
"Not with you," was his immediate reply, before turning his back on me.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE
WHAT I DID INSTEAD
I stood there stunned for a minute before heading into the bathroom. I looked over my shoulder and could see Justine leading her guy to the dance floor. I could feel my face growing hot and my throat getting tighter. I walked into the bathroom and came face to face with a bunch of girls from the group and tried to play it all off all, I'm fine! What, my eyes are a little wet? Must be all the vodka! before blubbering into the A boy was mean to me and I'm so sad I might as well go back to the bell tower with all the other Quasimodos! confession.
It ended up being fine. Vodka and girlfriends can cure anything. Special hat tip to Krista, for counseling my drunken ass outside (where we witnessed an epic, Jerry Springer-worthy girl fight).
Bullshit like this is the reason I have self-esteem issues. One dickish comment by that guy and BAM, I was back in junior high.
This is a bad pattern for me. If we look back at key incidents, some chronicled in this blog like Skirtgate, My conversation with B, and recent events with Brisket, it's not about them being the bad guy, or being tactless, or not having their shit together. I mean, it is, obviously, and I am aware it on some level because I admit it in those entries. But I ultimately make it about me -- something must be wrong with me to make them behave this way. I must be ugly, or "asking for it," or not worthy of their time and consideration.
Let me just tell you, this is a fucked up way to think and behave. It's not healthy and it's certainly not productive.
I'm learning, though. I'm trying. And these entries are part of that. This place has always been about me expressing myself in a candid manner, and I hate to edit that moment out, just because some sobriety and personal reflection has made me wiser a few days later. It stays here as a reminder of how I felt in that moment. And I should I feel that way again, I'll read a few entries ahead and remember I have wonderful friends who love and care about me. I'll remind myself that I am complete within myself. And just like Scarlett O'Hara would say, "Tommorrow is another day."
Curious as to what was going on? Fine, let me fill you in.
It was Leslie's Bachelorette party (oh my goodness, pictures are on the way. Stay tuned for that). We were in Ice Nightclub, which is appropriately trashy for such an occasion. Bride-to-Be was shaking her groove thing on the dance floor. Justine, being an awesome friend, was finding men for her to dance with. Justine would go up to a gentleman, lean in close to him and say, "Hi my name is Justine. Do you dance?" They would smile and nod and she would lead them blithely to the dance floor to get down with Leslie for a few minutes. I had consumed enough liquor by this point in the evening that I decided to be Justine's helper. So I went off with her, in search of reasonably attractive men to dance with our bachelorette.
Justine and I spotted them at the same time. Two guys opposite ends of the bar. I went to the one, she went to the other.
"Hi," I said to the guy, whose tie was loosened around his neck in that sort of roguish, attractive way. "My name is Katie. Do you dance?"
"Not with you," was his immediate reply, before turning his back on me.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE
- Tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Congratulations, you're an asshole."
- Took off my heel and started beating some manners into him with it.
- Let it go.
WHAT I DID INSTEAD
- Turned it around on myself and felt like shit.
I stood there stunned for a minute before heading into the bathroom. I looked over my shoulder and could see Justine leading her guy to the dance floor. I could feel my face growing hot and my throat getting tighter. I walked into the bathroom and came face to face with a bunch of girls from the group and tried to play it all off all, I'm fine! What, my eyes are a little wet? Must be all the vodka! before blubbering into the A boy was mean to me and I'm so sad I might as well go back to the bell tower with all the other Quasimodos! confession.
It ended up being fine. Vodka and girlfriends can cure anything. Special hat tip to Krista, for counseling my drunken ass outside (where we witnessed an epic, Jerry Springer-worthy girl fight).
Bullshit like this is the reason I have self-esteem issues. One dickish comment by that guy and BAM, I was back in junior high.
This is a bad pattern for me. If we look back at key incidents, some chronicled in this blog like Skirtgate, My conversation with B, and recent events with Brisket, it's not about them being the bad guy, or being tactless, or not having their shit together. I mean, it is, obviously, and I am aware it on some level because I admit it in those entries. But I ultimately make it about me -- something must be wrong with me to make them behave this way. I must be ugly, or "asking for it," or not worthy of their time and consideration.
Let me just tell you, this is a fucked up way to think and behave. It's not healthy and it's certainly not productive.
I'm learning, though. I'm trying. And these entries are part of that. This place has always been about me expressing myself in a candid manner, and I hate to edit that moment out, just because some sobriety and personal reflection has made me wiser a few days later. It stays here as a reminder of how I felt in that moment. And I should I feel that way again, I'll read a few entries ahead and remember I have wonderful friends who love and care about me. I'll remind myself that I am complete within myself. And just like Scarlett O'Hara would say, "Tommorrow is another day."
Labels: Observations, Zen Moments
3 Comments:
Hey, maybe this story will make you feel better and help put things into perspective:
Last night, I was supposed to have a date with a guy who was pursuing me through Match. He sent me a very creative initial email and we bantered back and forth a few times over the past couple of weeks. We spoke on the phone for over an hour, had a lovely conversation, and he texted me over the weekend to confirm that I would be free on Tuesday. We were supposed to catch up via phone on Monday to set up the time and location of said date.
Time ticked by and I had not heard from him, regardless of the fact I had received a text two days prior expressing his intent to call. I sent him a quick text asking if he was still free to chat about date plans. I didn't get a text back. Eh, whatever.
All of a sudden, an email popped into my inbox from him followed by a text asking me if I had received said email. Hmm, wonder what this could be about? Well, long story short, after having viewed my profile enough times to have an intelligent conversation about things I had listed (interests and whatnot), he apparently decided to tell me that he had not seen that I had chosen "no" under the "want kids?" section of the profile and proceeded to tell me that it was a "deal breaker" for him.
That would have been fine, had he say, mentioned that in the second email and had not actively pursued me over the past couple of weeks. However, I pointed out that if it was such an important issue, he should have picked up on that immediately and not contacted me at all. I also told him that it was disrespectful to handle such an issue over email after we had already made it to the "talking on the phone" stage.
He then proceeded to question my womanhood by claiming that I am the only woman he has ever contacted who had that menu option listed. He followed that up by saying he would never "in a million years" waste any time getting to know a woman who didn't want children. (Umm, dumbass, YOU contacted ME.)
I don't know about you, but I'd like for a guy to get to know me as a person first before making future plans with my uterus...
I was fuming for about a minute and a half until I realized that, by showing right away how big of a tool he was, he saved me a lot of time and energy in the long run.
Two hours later I was rejected by another guy because of my lack of interest in/knowledge of sports. (Again, never listed anything about sports in my profile. It's like these guys can't comprehend simple English or something.)
Just realize that 99% of the men out there are total tool bags and you're better off without them. The sooner they show their inherent douchie-ness, the faster you can get away from them. It makes life a lot easier.
Thank God for small miracles.
-Krista
Oh man, Krista. What a wanker.
In "my life is a constant circle of crazy" category, I connected with a guy on Monday night that I'd had my eye on and it seems like the attraction vibes are mutual and now I've been walking around blushing and grinning like a school girl for two days. However, pursuing anything with him is rife with complications. So we'll see.
See? Good for you. Take it slow and remember that you're worthy and fabulous and have a lot of great things to offer. And, don't take any crap. That's the real key. LOL
-Krista
Post a Comment
<< Home