Examining Insecurity

Back when I wrote about SkirtGate, I wrote Luke a Myspace message basically to thank him for being awesome and standing by me. In response he wrote to me:

Over the past couple years it has been obvious (at least to me) that there was something wrong with the way you perceived your physical image. Obviously I never asked, because EVERYONE goes through this at one time or another, but I can tell you that at times I have wondered what would make one of the most confident people I've ever met take such a slide.

This was fascinating to me, because I have never thought of myself as a particularly confident person. Ever.

And yet, the word keeps coming up. As I was looking through my journal today, I came across an entry from forever ago, something I drunkenly scribbled that led to this post the next day. "B" struggling to come up with a compliment for me saying to me, "You are the most confident...confident..."

But then today in the car as we were coming back from Kutztown Jim said to me, "Katie, I think you should be more confident."

"Okay!" I replied, all energetic-like, as if I could just take off my Insecurity T-shirt and plunk on my Confidence T-shirt.

It wasn't like anything major prompted Jim to make this comment. Not in my mind anyway. We had just passed a roller rink and I made the suggestion that we should go roller skating sometime, even though, as I put it, "I'm a complete klutz and always falling down."

Jim pointed out to me that I am always putting myself down and saying things like "I'm klutzy" or "I'm dumb."

"Seriously, though," I told him. "I'm not just being self-depreciating right now. I really am a klutz on wheels and fall down when I roller skate. No lie, the last time I went skating my ass was 4 different shades of purple from falling down."

Stephanie pointed out that I do this with any number of things -- from writing, to my weight; from my photography, to my hair. And really, she's not wrong. She pointed out that she does it too -- but why?

This got me thinking: At what point does good natured self-depreciation become a cycle of insecurity and self-hatred? Where does that line reside, and at what point did I cross it? Is putting myself down simply a fucked up way of "softening the blow" because I think that others will trash me and maybe it won't hurt as bad if I do it first? That way I can tell you all that I told you so?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that my confidence is something I promised myself I would work at. Stephanie and I have plans and projects in the works and self-esteem is something that factors into it, big time.

A little over a year ago, Zefrank did a Show on creativity. It's a show I come back to a lot, because he talks about having the courage to start projects, to believe in your ideas and take that first step. As this is something I constantly struggle with, it meant a lot to me, and I appreciated hearing it from someone who I view as very creative and successful.

"...that unity seems to be found in that word, 'creativity'. I'm amazed we have one word that can apply to all these different things. A word that evokes wonder when I think about what other people have done. But evokes fear and self-doubt when I think about myself. Some people think of it as a born-in attribute like big hands and big feet. Some people think of it as infrequent visitations from an other-wordly muse. Some people think of muscle that can be built up and trained. And many people don't think about it at all.

Sometimes I think about confidence, what it takes to get from zero to one. It seems like what you think about creativity can affect that confidence. There's a book edited by Robert Sternburg that deals with psychological research into creativity. One of the articles says that one of the only reliable indicators for increased creativity (however they measure it) is a person's belief that creativity is something that you can work on, and change.

Confidence about gaining confidence.

For me that's the interesting battleground: fighting against things I don't think are possibilities. Not with the goal of having an inflated sense that you know you can do something. But instead just to get that glimmer of hope of possibility. To move from zero to one.

Those battles of confidence are what make that word 'creativity' so terrifying for me."

Oh, I hear you, ZeFrank.

I don't have any pat conclusion for this post. It's very late at night -- Kelly and I just got back from the Flim Festival -- and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow in the library doing school work. I think this line of examination is important. And I'm curious. What do you think? Where do you struggle? How often do you put yourself down, and why?