Room to Let

"Are you ready for me to drop a bomb?" she asked.

"Go for it."

"After a lot of thought, long debate, and many pros and cons lists, I've decided," she paused and I leaned forward anticipating a punch line to a joke, "that come September I'm moving out and getting my own place."

I was still waiting for the "joke" portion and it took a second to process what she said. Then, shock. I could feel my face getting hot, my spine tingling. I blinked and the spots before my eyes cleared. "Wow," I said.

She went on to explain how it was nothing personal, how she just feels like she's at a point in her life where she's ready to be on her own, independent, grownup. She explained how she's stuck in a cycle she wants to break out of. She explained that financially, she's ready. I nodded my head and said things like, "I understand," and "Well, this is kind of a bummer." I was trying hard to ignore how very tight my throat had gotten.

"So, in the fall you and Mike will have to find a new roommate," she finished up.

"I can't imagine how we would ever replace you," I told her. And that? Is the damn truth. I can't imagine anyone else fitting with us as seamlessly as she does, someone that I would feel comfortable with, someone who would be as fun, cool, and kind as her.

So I said the right things. I said the supportive things. I said, "You have to do what's right for you."

I know these are the things I am supposed to say. But I don't want to say them. I want to be selfish. I want to say, "This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, please stay." I want to get on my knees and beg.

But I can't do this. Because deep, deep, down, I know things will be OK. That she's thought this through. That things like this happen for a reason. That she wouldn't rush into something like this if she wasn't sure. That she's doing what she needs to do.

I don't have to like it though.

Later, when we were hugging, fat tears leaking out of both of our eyes, she said, "I feel like I'm divorcing you. I hate doing this to you." And I know she was telling the truth. That this decision must have been agonizing for her.

I'm not stupid. I knew this would happen at some point. That one of us would leave, breaking the trifecta of awesome that we are. And I knew it was coming soon. But in my head, I thought "soon" was next year. I thought we had one good year left in us. When I pictured us splitting up, I thought Kelly would be headed off west, to Portland or Seattle. That Mike would be going off to school. And me? Lord only knows. I can't blame Kelly for wanting this now, though. She's 26 (...27 in the fall), and I can understand her wanting her privacy, independence, freedom, her own space. And I know she's trying to change her life for the better, anyway she can, and I can't begrudge her that. I want her to be happy.

Things are going to be OK. All of this will work out exactly as it's supposed to. Mike and I haven't discussed what we're going to do yet (hell at this point, I don't think Mike knows yet), whether we'll get another roommate (doubtful, in my opinion), move to a smaller place (possible), or break off on our own (scary, but also possible). Whatever we decide, we'll all be all right, we're ending on good terms. This is the way life works.

But right now, I'm just so sad.