Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my duty to inform you that there is a battle occurring deep within Apt 9B. A battle that is fierce and deadly, of which there will be one victor, and one victor only. A battle between Homosapien and Scarabaeidae.
People, we have bugs.
Now, everyone gets bugs from time to time, and with the exception of roaches and those creepy furry centipedes, I'm not really squeamish about bugs. Whatever, I'm bigger than you and I can squish you. And it's summer time now, so more buggies are out and about so it's only natural that a few find their way indoors. We've had a few bugs in the past weeks and normally, we don't even kill them, because Dill enjoys hunting them and he's sort of amusing when he's in stalking mode, all tiger-like but still dumb as a post. We usually let him kill them and then there's a mad rush to get the bug away from him, lest he eat it. Which he has done, on at least one occasion.
But last night, the little fuckers got out of hand.
I was settling down for bed and had just turned out the light when I heard a buzzing noise and saw two insects fly in front of the bluish hue of the TV. Now, if it had been a fly or whatever, I wouldn't have cared. But it was...these things. I don't know what to call them, and I want to say it's a beetle except that these things are large and can fly and make an audible noise and given that it's cicada season, and that we can hear them in the trees around our apartment, it very well may be a cicada of some sort. I looked bugs up on wikipedia and the bugs we have are larger than a beetle, but have a smaller wingspan than a cicada, so you figure it out. It sort of looks like this, but with wings:
Yuck, right? So I turn on the light and I discover that there's not two, but FOUR of these bugs flying around my room. I grab a trusty sneaker and start hunting. Ffffwapp! Fffwwapp! Two down. I started looking around for the other two, but they had gone into stealth mode. You know where I found them? One had landed on a pile of clothes that I had intended to take to Good Will about 3 months ago. And the other? Had landed on my pillow. Oh, hell no. I shooed him away and Fwwwapped him once he got onto my nightstand. OK, so four dead bugs. I was out of tissues, so I did what any ingenious girl would. I grabbed an old card that once held a variety of cheap earrings and an empty water bottle and scooped the bugs into the bottle and placed the bottle into my trash can making a mental note to empty it in the morning.
I had just laid down again, and was settling into pre-sleep land when I heard the distinct buzzing sound again. I bolted up, thinking that one of the bugs was in fact not dead, and had escaped the water bottle. But no. It was another bug.
"Bastard!" I mumbled, reaching down to grab my weapon, trusty old sneaker. Ffffwwapp! "And let that be a lesson to you bitches." I said, scooping him into the bottle to join his fallen brethren.
But a gauntlet had been thrown. Just as I settled down into bed again, another bug flew overhead. "The HELL?! Where are you guys coming from. GOD. Go away, and DIE!" Fffwwapp!
Friends, the above scene repeated itself no less than four more times. A grand total of 10 bugs in as many minutes. I finally clued into the fact that they were coming in through the old fashioned window in my room, which is missing, um, a window part of some kind, that leaves a small but crucial opening. But even after I closed it, I was still killing bugs. Finally, I gave up and decided to sleep downstairs.
As I was exiting my room, I ran into Mike. "I have bugs in my room," I pitifully told him. "Oooh, they're going to crawl into your ear while you sleep and lay eggs in you brain," he teased me. I then gave him a look of DOOM because while in theory bugs don't bother me, notions such as bugs crawling into orifices while I sleep and making babies seriously wigs me the hell out.
"Can you just come into my room and help me kill any that are left?" It is in Mike's lease agreement that as the male in the apartment he is responsible for killing bugs. Mike came into my room and looked at the ones that I had killed and collected. "I have no idea what kind of bugs these are." He then took a millisecond glance around the room. "It doesn't look like you have any more. Goodnight."
"Gee, my hero," I deadpanned. I think secretly Mike is all ooked out by bugs like Kelly and I are, but tries to be all manly about it.
I grabbed my pillow and went downstairs. I settled myself on the couch when...buzzzz. Fuckers were following me. I got up, killed two bugs with an old Entertainment Weekly that was sitting nearby (Confidential to Redhead: I swear I am not making this part up, but the EW I picked up had Jessica Alba on the cover. It's a sign!). Bugs were every-goddamned-where. After careful inspection of the windows downstairs, I discovered that they were the same type as the one in my room, and missing that same thingymabob -- so really maybe it's a style of window really and not a missing part. At any rate, I decided that I wasn't going to be able to close all the downstairs windows because I would suffocate and besides, it's my bedroom and I'll be damned if I'd be chased out of it by some freaky cicada beetle hybrid. I went upstairs and I could see bugs flying up against my window pane. Be brave, I told myself. I entered my bedroom and did a close inspection. Just as I was satisfied that all the bugs were gone, I found one, lying sneakily on the edge of my bed. Friends, I dropped my basket, as they say. I went wild. Trusty old sneaker was back in my hand and I nudged the bug until he flew away and landed on my door. And then I Fffwwwapped. I Fffwwwapped and Fffwwwapped and Fffwwwapped with a wild gleam in my eye. "And [Fffwwwapp] let [Fffwwwapp] that [Fffwwwapp] be [Fffwwwapp] a [Fffwwwapp] lesson [Fffwwwapp] to [Fffwwwapp] you [Fffwwwapp] ALL [Fffwwwapp]!!!!"
Grand total bugs killed in a period of 20 minutes: 13
Number of bugs that crawled into my brain and laid eggs: O (to my knowledge)
Victor: Me.
The story isn't over though friends, no. Because while I won last night's battle, my foe is a determined one. Guess what was waiting to greet me this morning, crawling on the linoleum of the kitchen when I went to feed Dill?
Of course you know this means war.
People, we have bugs.
Now, everyone gets bugs from time to time, and with the exception of roaches and those creepy furry centipedes, I'm not really squeamish about bugs. Whatever, I'm bigger than you and I can squish you. And it's summer time now, so more buggies are out and about so it's only natural that a few find their way indoors. We've had a few bugs in the past weeks and normally, we don't even kill them, because Dill enjoys hunting them and he's sort of amusing when he's in stalking mode, all tiger-like but still dumb as a post. We usually let him kill them and then there's a mad rush to get the bug away from him, lest he eat it. Which he has done, on at least one occasion.
But last night, the little fuckers got out of hand.
I was settling down for bed and had just turned out the light when I heard a buzzing noise and saw two insects fly in front of the bluish hue of the TV. Now, if it had been a fly or whatever, I wouldn't have cared. But it was...these things. I don't know what to call them, and I want to say it's a beetle except that these things are large and can fly and make an audible noise and given that it's cicada season, and that we can hear them in the trees around our apartment, it very well may be a cicada of some sort. I looked bugs up on wikipedia and the bugs we have are larger than a beetle, but have a smaller wingspan than a cicada, so you figure it out. It sort of looks like this, but with wings:
Yuck, right? So I turn on the light and I discover that there's not two, but FOUR of these bugs flying around my room. I grab a trusty sneaker and start hunting. Ffffwapp! Fffwwapp! Two down. I started looking around for the other two, but they had gone into stealth mode. You know where I found them? One had landed on a pile of clothes that I had intended to take to Good Will about 3 months ago. And the other? Had landed on my pillow. Oh, hell no. I shooed him away and Fwwwapped him once he got onto my nightstand. OK, so four dead bugs. I was out of tissues, so I did what any ingenious girl would. I grabbed an old card that once held a variety of cheap earrings and an empty water bottle and scooped the bugs into the bottle and placed the bottle into my trash can making a mental note to empty it in the morning.
I had just laid down again, and was settling into pre-sleep land when I heard the distinct buzzing sound again. I bolted up, thinking that one of the bugs was in fact not dead, and had escaped the water bottle. But no. It was another bug.
"Bastard!" I mumbled, reaching down to grab my weapon, trusty old sneaker. Ffffwwapp! "And let that be a lesson to you bitches." I said, scooping him into the bottle to join his fallen brethren.
But a gauntlet had been thrown. Just as I settled down into bed again, another bug flew overhead. "The HELL?! Where are you guys coming from. GOD. Go away, and DIE!" Fffwwapp!
Friends, the above scene repeated itself no less than four more times. A grand total of 10 bugs in as many minutes. I finally clued into the fact that they were coming in through the old fashioned window in my room, which is missing, um, a window part of some kind, that leaves a small but crucial opening. But even after I closed it, I was still killing bugs. Finally, I gave up and decided to sleep downstairs.
As I was exiting my room, I ran into Mike. "I have bugs in my room," I pitifully told him. "Oooh, they're going to crawl into your ear while you sleep and lay eggs in you brain," he teased me. I then gave him a look of DOOM because while in theory bugs don't bother me, notions such as bugs crawling into orifices while I sleep and making babies seriously wigs me the hell out.
"Can you just come into my room and help me kill any that are left?" It is in Mike's lease agreement that as the male in the apartment he is responsible for killing bugs. Mike came into my room and looked at the ones that I had killed and collected. "I have no idea what kind of bugs these are." He then took a millisecond glance around the room. "It doesn't look like you have any more. Goodnight."
"Gee, my hero," I deadpanned. I think secretly Mike is all ooked out by bugs like Kelly and I are, but tries to be all manly about it.
I grabbed my pillow and went downstairs. I settled myself on the couch when...buzzzz. Fuckers were following me. I got up, killed two bugs with an old Entertainment Weekly that was sitting nearby (Confidential to Redhead: I swear I am not making this part up, but the EW I picked up had Jessica Alba on the cover. It's a sign!). Bugs were every-goddamned-where. After careful inspection of the windows downstairs, I discovered that they were the same type as the one in my room, and missing that same thingymabob -- so really maybe it's a style of window really and not a missing part. At any rate, I decided that I wasn't going to be able to close all the downstairs windows because I would suffocate and besides, it's my bedroom and I'll be damned if I'd be chased out of it by some freaky cicada beetle hybrid. I went upstairs and I could see bugs flying up against my window pane. Be brave, I told myself. I entered my bedroom and did a close inspection. Just as I was satisfied that all the bugs were gone, I found one, lying sneakily on the edge of my bed. Friends, I dropped my basket, as they say. I went wild. Trusty old sneaker was back in my hand and I nudged the bug until he flew away and landed on my door. And then I Fffwwwapped. I Fffwwwapped and Fffwwwapped and Fffwwwapped with a wild gleam in my eye. "And [Fffwwwapp] let [Fffwwwapp] that [Fffwwwapp] be [Fffwwwapp] a [Fffwwwapp] lesson [Fffwwwapp] to [Fffwwwapp] you [Fffwwwapp] ALL [Fffwwwapp]!!!!"
Grand total bugs killed in a period of 20 minutes: 13
Number of bugs that crawled into my brain and laid eggs: O (to my knowledge)
Victor: Me.
The story isn't over though friends, no. Because while I won last night's battle, my foe is a determined one. Guess what was waiting to greet me this morning, crawling on the linoleum of the kitchen when I went to feed Dill?
Of course you know this means war.
9 Comments:
It IS a sign:
Consider the word "eggs." An egg is what the beetles will leave inside your ears and brain. Jessica Alba has ears, and (theoretically at least) a brain. We've already established that eggs = 57gs = jessica is eternal life. AND 57 is the special secret number of US Weekly. So, by using that copy of US Weekly to kill the bugs, you should have eternal life.
It's all so clear.
Speaking of "being clear" are you wearing a bandana? Yeah you are.
I think it's time for a glass of wine.
We don't get things like that over here, but in the Mediterranean, you occasionally get big beetles as big as your fist that float around, I don't know what it is about them, but if you're sitting by the pool and one flys into the water, they explode with a really loud pop. It's great, they manage to liquidate themselves without the need for old trainers.
So this is what you did on Friday night rather than come out with Haven and I? Hmmph.
No. I wrote this in the afternoon. I spent Friday night writing other things and being grumpy and sweaty.
To the Redhead, RE: Bandana --
(sneaks up behind you)
if it looks like th epicture, but is a pinch more greenish an dflies, chances are a hundred to 1 its a japanese beetle. i know of no cure for them, neither does my current boss at cabrini, the facilities director who is a horticulturist by trade, facilities manager by normal hours. are there any plants in your apt? watch for holes in the leaves, and then watch for the buggies to eat, squish them while they are semi-feeding, they are to busy to notice you. I have quite of few of the bugs on my rose bushes at home.
This just in: According to Haven, who I am going to believe because I want to, they are cicadas, just a smaller version cicada. So in about 2 weeks, they should be gone for good.
Also, since I closed my old fashioned window in my room, no more bugs have invaded, although they are gathering and dying in between the screen and the pane. They're still dumb enough to come into the living room, though, where they're met with the business end of a flip-flop.
eightk: You TOTALLY caught me. Great: Now my brain's gonna be harvested and fed to Xenu.
Pffft.
RE: Lady in the Water (because I'm too lazy to post twice) -- my favorite review quote ever is ""Maybe the theme is that you should try to score some of that stuff Shyamalan must be smoking." (ARIZONA DAILY STAR)
So Awesomely Bad. Methinks the Tomahawk Cruise should star in M. Night's next feature.
Cicadas look different, and usually have wings kinda like a crickets. don't worry, japanese beetles don't hurt, or borrow into you and lay eggs.
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