First of all, fuck this fuckery of being on lockdown because I am sick of it and frankly it's boring and I'm not doing much writing anyway, so really what's the point. Furthermore, things have essentially calmed down (knock on wood), and putting this thing on private was just me being ridiculously cautious.
So, yes. Hello.
And now I begin the most random, semi-whiny entry in existence to catch you all up.
It's mid-January so thus I begin my regular bout with depression. Everything is technically fine, but I find myself feeling so down. Everything feels like it requires such a huge effort to accomplish. Just getting out of bed can feel like a trial, and I have to have a serious Come-to-Jesus with myself to get up some mornings. And again, let me assure that things are really and truly OK, it's just the way I get this time of year. Everything is so dark and cold, I should really just hibernate the fuck away.
A large part of this depression is frankly due to something I can't really talk about in a public forum. But it's a BIG part of my everyday life and I can't seem to escape it. I've been trying to escape it for the better part of a year, but I am not having any luck and it is hitting me now how much I need to fucking move on already, because it's truly making me miserable. (Is this vague enough for you? I think it's quite obvious what I'm talking about without saying directly.)
Money is troubling me because I seem to have none (uh, see above) although photo jobs are starting to swing my way again and help out with some temporary cash re-flow, but my car payments (sigh) and student loans (sweet Jesus) are taking their toll on me. I'm debating getting a second job, but fuck me, I do not want to have to do that. Plus, my sense of entitlement is telling me that I shouldn't have to do that. I'm eventually just going to have to get off of my high horse, because it's a recession bitches.
Speaking of photography, after Wedding Palooza '09 I hit a wall. I was sick to death of my camera and didn't want to even touch it for two months. So I didn't. Now that I'm being forced over the hump, due to jobs and such, I need to reconsider some things. Such as, while I think I take nice portraits and such, I'm not particularly challenging myself. My photography, ironically, is missing a point of view. I don't think my pictures say anything other than I hang about with some gorgeous people and have a knack for capturing them. I'm trying to decide what to do about this. A friend from Rosemont tipped me that Narrative Magazine is always looking for submissions, giving me a serious wink and a nudge. But a quick tour through my archives quickly pointed out that I am lacking in the artistic quality needed for such a submission. Additionally, Pictory Magazine has left me both breathless and intimated. When I say I want to be a good photographer, these are the types photos I am talking about. It is also why I think I am not a good photographer – I don't have photos like this, not even close. Rather than be bummed about it, I'm going to fix it. Resolutions, for all to see:
Along the same lines, I signed up for a FlavorsMe site, with the hopes of self-promotion and am thinking of getting a RedBubble profile so I can sell some of this bullshit in the form of prints and canvases.
Don't ask me about writing, because I've done fuck all in that area.
I've hit an all-time low as far as artistic slumps go. See vague paragraph 5, which has hindered my design aesthetic in a way I hadn't thought possible. Reason #4724 why I need to move on already.
My computer buggered out on me. I have no money to replace it, not that it was a particularly good computer in the first place. I desperately need to replace it, too. Anyone want to lend me $2400 for a new MacBook Pro? Because as I try to save money, it inevitably keeps getting funneled to bills.
Despite the all the payments, I am head over heels in love with my new car. In case you weren't following on Facebook, I opted for a 2010 Toyota Corolla in electric blue. I've named it the TARDIS, because it's a Toyota and Relative Dimension in Space, see. I love the TARDIS and how zippy and shiny it is and how corners like it's on rails. Also, after years of second-hand cars, I can't tell you how nice it is to drive something that I chose and that is mine mine mine and exactly what I wanted. It's not a boat! It's a fun color! It feels like my car. And it's under warranty and actually, like, reliable and whatnot. I can drive long distances and not worry about it. The steering wheel doesn't shake when I go above 65mph. Amazing.
Things with The Scotsman are great, more than great actually, and now that I'm sacked down in my January dumps I am quite thankful to have him, because he is one thing that is making me quite happy. The one struggle is the distance between us and our schedules – we don't see each other nearly as much as we would like. We're averaging every other weekend and trying to take turns in each other's state. We've crossed major hurdles – he met my family and a good portion of the 141 crew, I've (briefly) met his daughter – so I feel like things are on a good track. I know a lot of you are still anxious to meet him and scope him out, but be patient. I have a lot of friends and I'm trying not to overwhelm him too much. In the meantime, enjoy this picture of the two of us taken at the Witch Parade. Ignore that it's not the best picture of us ever. We seem to have glassy eyes (thank you, flash, and multiple beers we had imbibed) and ignore that I have flowers in my hair like the pagan dork I am:
I like him. I'm so glad that he likes me too.
I got my hair cut short. I loved it for 2 days and now I'm dying for it to grow out.
I gained so much weight over the holidays, I feel like a porker. I know things will be better once I get back in the habit of going to the gym, but file that under "things that are seemingly impossible for me to do right now."
Spiritually, I'm looking forward to a good year. Silver Stars have taken me under their wing and I'm working on ritual writing and taking a more active role in the IP. Additionally, my dreams have been out of control these past weeks.
Just writing out a lot of my complaints and unleashing a bit about my depression is helping me feel better. Additionally, it is sunny and 48° out today, unlike the disgusting cold rainy mess it was yesterday when I began this entry. I promise you I'm OK. Some fun entries are coming up (including Luke and Leslie's wedding post!), so stay tuned!
So, yes. Hello.
And now I begin the most random, semi-whiny entry in existence to catch you all up.
It's mid-January so thus I begin my regular bout with depression. Everything is technically fine, but I find myself feeling so down. Everything feels like it requires such a huge effort to accomplish. Just getting out of bed can feel like a trial, and I have to have a serious Come-to-Jesus with myself to get up some mornings. And again, let me assure that things are really and truly OK, it's just the way I get this time of year. Everything is so dark and cold, I should really just hibernate the fuck away.
A large part of this depression is frankly due to something I can't really talk about in a public forum. But it's a BIG part of my everyday life and I can't seem to escape it. I've been trying to escape it for the better part of a year, but I am not having any luck and it is hitting me now how much I need to fucking move on already, because it's truly making me miserable. (Is this vague enough for you? I think it's quite obvious what I'm talking about without saying directly.)
Money is troubling me because I seem to have none (uh, see above) although photo jobs are starting to swing my way again and help out with some temporary cash re-flow, but my car payments (sigh) and student loans (sweet Jesus) are taking their toll on me. I'm debating getting a second job, but fuck me, I do not want to have to do that. Plus, my sense of entitlement is telling me that I shouldn't have to do that. I'm eventually just going to have to get off of my high horse, because it's a recession bitches.
Speaking of photography, after Wedding Palooza '09 I hit a wall. I was sick to death of my camera and didn't want to even touch it for two months. So I didn't. Now that I'm being forced over the hump, due to jobs and such, I need to reconsider some things. Such as, while I think I take nice portraits and such, I'm not particularly challenging myself. My photography, ironically, is missing a point of view. I don't think my pictures say anything other than I hang about with some gorgeous people and have a knack for capturing them. I'm trying to decide what to do about this. A friend from Rosemont tipped me that Narrative Magazine is always looking for submissions, giving me a serious wink and a nudge. But a quick tour through my archives quickly pointed out that I am lacking in the artistic quality needed for such a submission. Additionally, Pictory Magazine has left me both breathless and intimated. When I say I want to be a good photographer, these are the types photos I am talking about. It is also why I think I am not a good photographer – I don't have photos like this, not even close. Rather than be bummed about it, I'm going to fix it. Resolutions, for all to see:
- I will take a serious photography class of some sort this year.
- I am going to buy my own external flash and learn how to use it properly and get over my aversion to flash.
- By May I will have completed on photo essay suitable for submission and publication.
Along the same lines, I signed up for a FlavorsMe site, with the hopes of self-promotion and am thinking of getting a RedBubble profile so I can sell some of this bullshit in the form of prints and canvases.
Don't ask me about writing, because I've done fuck all in that area.
I've hit an all-time low as far as artistic slumps go. See vague paragraph 5, which has hindered my design aesthetic in a way I hadn't thought possible. Reason #4724 why I need to move on already.
My computer buggered out on me. I have no money to replace it, not that it was a particularly good computer in the first place. I desperately need to replace it, too. Anyone want to lend me $2400 for a new MacBook Pro? Because as I try to save money, it inevitably keeps getting funneled to bills.
Despite the all the payments, I am head over heels in love with my new car. In case you weren't following on Facebook, I opted for a 2010 Toyota Corolla in electric blue. I've named it the TARDIS, because it's a Toyota and Relative Dimension in Space, see. I love the TARDIS and how zippy and shiny it is and how corners like it's on rails. Also, after years of second-hand cars, I can't tell you how nice it is to drive something that I chose and that is mine mine mine and exactly what I wanted. It's not a boat! It's a fun color! It feels like my car. And it's under warranty and actually, like, reliable and whatnot. I can drive long distances and not worry about it. The steering wheel doesn't shake when I go above 65mph. Amazing.
Things with The Scotsman are great, more than great actually, and now that I'm sacked down in my January dumps I am quite thankful to have him, because he is one thing that is making me quite happy. The one struggle is the distance between us and our schedules – we don't see each other nearly as much as we would like. We're averaging every other weekend and trying to take turns in each other's state. We've crossed major hurdles – he met my family and a good portion of the 141 crew, I've (briefly) met his daughter – so I feel like things are on a good track. I know a lot of you are still anxious to meet him and scope him out, but be patient. I have a lot of friends and I'm trying not to overwhelm him too much. In the meantime, enjoy this picture of the two of us taken at the Witch Parade. Ignore that it's not the best picture of us ever. We seem to have glassy eyes (thank you, flash, and multiple beers we had imbibed) and ignore that I have flowers in my hair like the pagan dork I am:
I like him. I'm so glad that he likes me too.
I got my hair cut short. I loved it for 2 days and now I'm dying for it to grow out.
I gained so much weight over the holidays, I feel like a porker. I know things will be better once I get back in the habit of going to the gym, but file that under "things that are seemingly impossible for me to do right now."
Spiritually, I'm looking forward to a good year. Silver Stars have taken me under their wing and I'm working on ritual writing and taking a more active role in the IP. Additionally, my dreams have been out of control these past weeks.
Just writing out a lot of my complaints and unleashing a bit about my depression is helping me feel better. Additionally, it is sunny and 48° out today, unlike the disgusting cold rainy mess it was yesterday when I began this entry. I promise you I'm OK. Some fun entries are coming up (including Luke and Leslie's wedding post!), so stay tuned!
Labels: Catch-up, General Whining, Romance
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Ca-Uuuute!
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