Security

Brisket: Tell me!

Me: No, don't worry about it.

Brisket: Come on. How am I supposed to secure you if you won't tell me?

Me: [pause] Because it's not your job to secure me. These are my insecurities and my hang ups and therefore its my job to get over them.

Brisket: I could help. I could, you know, reassure you, or whatever.

Me: You could. And I would believe you for about 2 hours and then go back to my hang ups.


==

Brisket and I had this conversation the other night whilst cuddling. I forget how we got to this particular point in the discussion, but the main point is this: I confessed to having a great number of insecurities about myself and concerning him.

I know that these insecurities, for the most part, are ridiculous and nonsensical. Like, how I think he must be imagining he's with someone else when he's with me. Someone prettier and thiner.

And before you all start yelling at me in comments, I KNOW. I AM FULLY AWARE THAT THIS IS ABSURD AND MISGUIDED AND I AM A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER, OR WHATEVER. I know it's stupid and so wrong you could sing about it. This is why I refused to tell Brisket about this particular doubt. It's wrong. I know it's wrong. And yet, I slip into this insecurity like a comfortable sweatshirt. I'm so used to feeling that way, that when confronted with someone who obviously thinks I am pretty, sexy, and rad that I must question it instead of taking it at face value.

I've talked about this before. And I promise you all I am really trying to work on this about myself. To develop more confidence in my abilities, in my looks, in who I am.

I'm writing about this now, because I feel like I've reached a pivotal point in my life, where many aspects are finally coming together. I feel like I am on the brink of some major awesome. But I also feel like this major awesome is dependent on me and the ability to assert and believe in myself.

It began at Imbolc. At one point in the ritual we were invited to go to Brigit's well, dip our hands in and purify ourselves. Then, if we felt the need, we could go to Brigit herself and seek guidance. There were two Brigits present at this point - one for healing and one for inspiration. I sought inspiration first and then sought healing. When it was my turn, the healing Brigit held out her arms to me and drew me close.

"And YOU," she said, pulling me closer, "You are so strong and don't even realize it. You have to remember that you are perfect, in and of yourself. The Gods and Goddesses created you and made you perfect. To deny this is not only to deny yourself, but also them. Relax in your own being. Trust in your perfect self. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy, but remember that you are perfect. Trust in this."

Well, I don't know what Brigit said to other people that night, but what she said to me was right fuckin on with what I needed to hear.

CUT TO yesterday Mikey Likes It and I getting into a conversation about, of all things, cosplay. He kept on insisting I could pull off a Silk Spectre. He was being so adorable in that guy-friend way by trying to tell me that I had a nice bust line for the costume without sounding like he had been checking out my boobs. At which point I noted that while I may have a good-sized chest, what is below the chest prevents me from wearing the costume, namely, my fat roll. He sighed at me heavily, "Katie," he told me, "you need to take a hatchet to that insecurity tree of yours."

CUT TO today on the phone with QK having a reading. We were on the topic of Brisket and she was encouraging me to keep it light and fun, just like we have been. "What is important for you to get out of this, is the confidence and the boost to self-esteem he is giving you. Which you needed." She paused for a minute as if listening to someone else whispering. "And for god's sake, use it. Drink it in and believe in it. Like, he's not lying to you. Stop being so...negative about yourself." She spat the last three words out as if they tasted bad. It was as if she had been there for our conversation and knew exactly what had passed between us.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something. And I'll be damned if I don't listen.

Comments disabled because yes, I KNOW. I am working on it. This post is part of me trying to work on it.